2590. Cockneys vs. Zombies (2012)

Starring: Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway, Michelle Ryan

Director: Matthias Hoene

Running Time: 88 mins

Cockneys vs. Zombies is a British film about a group of East Londoners who find themselves as the last hope for the area when a zombie invasion takes hold.

It seems like every man and his dog has had a shot at the zombie remake in recent years, with no less than Hansel & Gretel, Pride & Prejudice, Osama bin Laden and a heap of others getting their undead remix for the modern cinemagoer. And while some have worked out brilliantly, most are pretty underwhelming films, and that’s exactly the case for the Cockneys’ turn at taking on the undead, a dull and pointless waste of time that never conjures up the barking mad excitement and laughs it really wants to.

Now, anybody who goes into a film called Cockneys vs. Zombies expecting high cinema is inevitably in for a kicking, but that doesn’t mean you should go into the movie with no expectations at all. After all, my guilty pleasure of the decade: Pride And Prejudice And Zombies proved to no end that even the most moronic mash-up of genres can be brilliant fun with good comedic writing and a strong sense of humour.

However, Cockneys vs. Zombies is far, far off the non-stop fun of PPZ, and for all its attempts to make you laugh with its combination of any end of rhyming slang jokes and gory zombie-killing action, the film just isn’t funny, and its action nowhere near the entertainment level of other zombie parodies like Shaun Of The Dead or even the recent Anna And The Apocalypse.

What’s more, with low production values and iffy special effects throughout, the film has that distinct direct-to-DVD feel, and its gritty and grainy scenery and production design do little to make it feel like a fun-loving, throwaway zombie parody, instead making everything feel a little too dark and a little too serious for its own good.

The only saving grace – at times – is the cast, which features a decent amount of quality actors, with Alan Ford and Michelle Ryan in particular bringing a good bit of levity when needed, as well as an entertaining level of grit from time to time as well.

Saying that, however, even a couple of good performances can’t save what is a pretty terrible film through and through, and while it doesn’t go all-out into painful, gory mess like the very worst films out there (I’m still looking at you, ThanksKilling), there really isn’t much fun to be had with Cockneys vs. Zombies, a film lacking both in good action and good comedy, and that’s why I’m giving it a 5.2 overall.