A horrific waste of time
Starring: Tim Allen, Courtney Cox, Chevy Chase
Director: Peter Hewitt
Running Time: 83 mins
Zoom is an American film about a group of children who are recruited by a secret organisation on account of their above average abilities, and spend time training their powers, but with the objective of their programme clouded in secrecy.
I hate this film. Not only does it feel like a totally unimaginative and pointless rip-off of Sky High, but also an infuriatingly plastic, dull and braindead kids’ movie, made yet even worse by awful performances across the board, and utterly appalling visual effects from start to finish, making Zoom a total waste of any person’s time or attention.
You likely haven’t heard of this film as its faded into deserved obscurity over the last decade, however the A-list cast may tempt you into giving it a watch. After all, Tim Allen, Courtney Cox, Chevy Chase, Rip Torn and more have all shown they can be great comedy stars, while the now highly-praised Kate Mara in an early role is also interesting to see.
However, every single actor completely phones it in with Zoom. From beginning to end, the big A-list adults embarrass themselves with shockingly unconvincing performances, worsened by fake and irritating plastic happiness and smiles, making watching any of the potentially entertaining A-listers an absolute horror.
What’s more is that, with so many famous actors randomly crammed into the movie, it appears that the filmmakers didn’t have any more budget left over for competent scriptwriters or passable visual effects.
Starting with the script, the film completely lacks any depth or fascination to keep you interested beyond its pathetic attempts at comedy. For one, about three quarters of the whole movie takes place in the academy, watching the kids train their fake superpowers with all sorts of fake props and trying to gorge fake friendships (and one stupid romance) with one another, offering nothing of any interest or consequence for you to care one bit about.
Then the movie ends in a random bowl of dust where they all turn up and luck their way into saving the day. (Spoilers don’t matter here – you’re not going to be watching this).
The other big issue is just how plastic everything feels. I’ve already ranted about how wafer thin the characters, story and basically entire premise can be, but it gets even worse. Firstly, the visual effects are simply shocking, looking like they were made by the five year old that thought of this movie with 1980s technology, constantly taking you out of the moment as you shake your head at whatever mess of pixels is thrust at your face.
Then, the atmosphere of the entire film feels just like a half-empty ball pit, like you find in the middle of a rundown shopping centre. Despite the awful writing, performances and visuals leaving the film void of anything worth mentioning, the garishly cheerful and Nickelodeon-esque vibe of the film makes oit almost unbearable, adding insult to injury as it forces a fake smile to try and entertain you – not even young kids would fall for it.
Overall, I hope it’s clear that I had an absolutely horrid time with Zoom. Imagine Fant4stic, but instead of being tedious, it’s garish, painfully happy, and as fake as you can possibly think, worsened by a rubbish script, no good comedy, and some of the worst performances from what I would have called respectable actors, and you have Zoom. In short, a total waste of anybody’s time and patience, and a simply, truly, woefully awful film, and that’s why I’m giving it a 1.8.