522. Jurassic Shark (2012)

Starring: Emanuelle Carriere, Christine Emes, Celine Filion

Director: Brett Kelly

Running Time: 75 mins

Jurassic Shark is a Canadian film about a group of teenage girls who are forced to join with a gang of thieves as they are kept on an island by a killer megalodon shark which was brought back to life after millions of years of extinction after a big oil company unfreezes it while drilling in the ocean.

Well, yet again, a shark movie that failed to deliver any sort of enjoyment or excitement. This, however, sets another new low, due to its appalling storyline, terrible dialogue, simply bad filming, and some of the worst visual effects I’ve ever seen.

But before we get onto the horrors of the visuals, I want to try and squeeze some sort of story out of this. Evidently made as a bit a laugh by students, you can really tell that very little thought went into this plot, as all it does is shamelessly parody Jaws again and again, bring in characters that never even try to develop, and completely look past any sort of credible fact about the shark in the film.

That shark is supposedly a megalodon shark, which, according to the opening credits of the film, can grow up to 16 metres long, and existed 1.5 million years ago. Now, I’m happy with the fantasy that this shark can somehow be awoken millennia after its extinction, and then easily swim around as if it were born yesterday, however surely, a shark that big CANNOT FIT IN A LITTLE LAKE, where this movie is set.

In terms of the humans in the story, they were just as unconvincing. Basically, the whole thing is just a stupid excuse to show men and women with barely any clothes on, rather than any sort of fun shark movie, and that means that none of the characters have any sort of believable personality, and are simply dull and irritating to watch on screen.

As well as the terrible story, the quality of the filmmaking here is also pretty appalling. Made on a budget of god knows what, the visual effects are some of the worst I’ve ever seen. Of course, it can’t scale the unreachable heights of Birdemic, but the shark looks like a picture that’s been badly cut out on Photoshop and plopped in a lake in the middle of a film.

The cinematography of this film was also just terrible. It struggles with things like showing a whole person’s face in shot, or being able to see someone when it’s a little dark, and that just shows how absolutely terrible this film is.

Overall, then, this gets a 1.5, because it’s a poorly-made, terribly-written and simply appalling shark film that actually makes Sharknado look like The Shawshank Redemption.

(Plus, this movie (which is actually 62 minutes long) has nearly 15 minutes of credits…)