2059. Ice Sharks (2016)

Starring: Edward DeRuiter, Jenna Parker, Kaiwi Lyman

Director: Emile Edwin Smith

Running Time: 85 mins

Ice Sharks is an American film about a horrible series of events that unfold when a team of Arctic researchers discover that a breed of aggressive and almost unstoppable sharks are lurking beneath the ice, putting all of their lives in terrible danger.

We’ve had Sand Sharks, we’ve had Sharknado, we’ve had all manner of the marine mammals in the most ridiculous situations, so what more are you expecting from Ice Sharks? A dull, pointless and poorly-made film through and through, it’s everything that’s bad about watching movies at its very worst, never offering even the slightest moment of intrigue or entertainment, but instead ploughing through the formula of a now tedious subgenre over the course of 85 pointlessly wasted minutes of your time.

What baffles me most about this film is that, in a world we’ve had 5 increasingly (and deliberately) silly Sharknado movies, that Syfy and The Asylum still think that there’s a market for these dull pseudo-horror films. The Sharknado series has proved that so-bad-it’s-good can be a successful genre, and bring some joy to people’s lives even if they are truly awful, and yet Ice Sharks attempts to go back into the dark days of the shark genre (arguably the worst genre in the movie world), with an overly dark and serious story that offers no entertainment whatsoever.

If you’ve seen any of those awful shark movies, you’ll know exactly what you’re in for here. The CGI is terrible, seeming not to advanced even the slightest bit more towards looking acceptable since 2008, the acting is dire, with a collection of random people who really don’t have any of the energy or charisma to make anything out of a terrible screenplay, all of which makes for a film that’s just not even slightly worth the watch.

Normally, you would be able to watch this sort of movie and enjoy how so bad it is. However, Ice Sharks for some reason decides to take itself way too seriously, with only the premise that there are sharks in the Arctic as the film’s excuse for humour, leaving the rest of the movie as a typically dull sci-fi production with a total lack of imagination or even joy.

There’s very little to say about this movie simply because it’s so tedious. It’s not funny, it’s not so-bad-it’s-good, and it’s just way too serious to even offer the slightest bit of fun. Its screenplay is both stupid and boring, its performances are totally lacking in energy or talent, and in short, it’s right down there as one of the worst shark movies of them all – which is really saying something – and that’s why I’m giving it a 2.2 overall.